TYPICAL

tonight, i stopped at duane reade to buy unscented lotion, eyeliner, and inside-out junior mints, because i saw them on the show "unwrapped" and they're limited edition and they're awesome. anyway, i'm over at the maybelline section and i hear someone yelling:

"YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS NOW! YOU'RE THE MANAGER, DO SOMETHING! THERE'S A LINE NOW AND YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THIS. NOW!"

my initial reaction was that an employee was yelling at the manager to open up another register because the line was too long, and i thought it was pretty ballsy and kind of great, because as we all know, DR is notoriously slow as hell and i have always dreamed of unleashing my fury when there are four registers open, two people on line, and it still takes 45 minutes to complete a purchase. but as i got closer, i could see the the man was not, in fact, an employee. he was all sorts of crazy wrapped up in an enormous maroon sweatshirt and topped with an olive fishing cap. he stood to the right of the register and continued to scream.

"DO SOMETHING, YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THIS CAUSE I'M GONNA STAND HERE ALL NIGHT! I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE, I WILL STAND HERE ALL FUCKING NIGIHT, THIS IS WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!" he said, jumping, jumping, jumping!

had the man been robbed? was someone lying in a puddle of blood in aisle 3? the manager continued to ring customers up as though this was nothing out of the ordinary. people in line looked bored and perplexed like all new yorkers do when someone is having a rage.

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT TWO FOOT MAN? HUH? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?!"

i imagined him pulling out a gun and shooting all of us, eating a box of junior mints, and calmly exiting the store.

a big hipped earth mother walked over to him.

"what is with all of the racket? are you okay?"

"NO! i am TRYING to buy a glue trap."

"oh?" she said stifling a laugh. "that's not such a big thing now, is it?"

"YEAH, but because there is no BAR CODE on it, he won't just RING ME UP! AND I HAVE been to every duane reade in the city and i FINALLY find it and he won't sell it to me. AND I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE! I LIVE THREE BLOCKS FROM HERE AND I CAN YELL ALL NIGHT!!! I CAN YELL ALL NIGHT LONG TWO FOOT MAN, ALL NIGHT!!!!"

earth mother shrugged. i was next in line.

i paid for my things, trying to avoid the spit storm.

then, a security guard entered the store.

"oh good," i thought." someone is finally here to take care of this."

he sized up the situation. he looked at the man, the manager, and the line of people. and he walked past ALL of us, to buy some doritos.