rain and big big MAJOR home improvement news!

is there ever like a teensy weensy trapped in the closet part of you that comes a bit unleashed when it is raining so hard you can't hear yourself think because it's just pouring out of the sky? it sounds like someone just dumped a warehouse of paint outside my window and i don't know if it will ever get cleaned up. it is kind of scary and soothing - a white noise maker and the end of the world all in one.

speaking of spilled paint, there is currently a show on HDTV called "DECORATING CENTS." maybe you know it. don't get confused, though, because the name of the program has nothing to do with the idea of the program, which is that a couple of home decorating "experts" are given $500 to refresh a room in someone's home.
the star of the show is a woman called joan steffend who i call stoffensive.

stoffensive & co. do it all, from nurseries to bedrooms and they do it with cheap stuff that they've found on the side of the road and then they use things like masking tape and staplers to put it all together and it adds up to $500 and they act surprised and really proud which is the best part. have you seen it? you would know if you have because they are very smart and stylish. especially when they walk into a room with white walls, a brown leather couch, and new hardwoord floors and go, "OH NO!!! this room needs A LOT of HELP!"

first they interview the people:

her: "what do you want to do?"
them: "well, anything as long as it's not pink!"
her: "okay great kathy. mike, any requests?"
them: "well, i like everything except this carpet."
her: "FANtastic! we've got tons of options to make this couple happy. let's get started!!"

and then they make the room bright pink and they conceal the carpet by leaving it in the middle of the floor. it's definitely a great show because sometimes at the end the people cry when they see the changes, but stoffensive thinks it's tears of joy, and quite possibly the producers, so i get to keep watching it like twice a day, because every time i turn on the DVR, there are about six to 12 episodes. it airs more than the news so it must be important! bye!

a fun thing i like to do

i am a hair-twirler. always have been, thanks to my nervous energy and easily-accessible hair. twirling calms my nerves. it feels good. the only people who have ever really acknowledged it are my boyfriend who finds it endearing and my grandma who despised it. i briefly lived with her in nyc for a few months after college. i would come home from work, change into sweats, and head down to her room where she was sitting on the warm beige herringbone couch with her crossword and magnifying glass and a news program turned all the way up. she had dark curly hair like mine, but hers was short and she would look at me with disdain through her red-rimmed reading glasses.

"why does it bother you so much?"
"do you think hilary clinton twirls her hair?" she would say shaking her head, wincing.
"what does this have to do with hilary clinton?"
"refined ladies do not play with their hair."
"you don't understand, grandma. hilary clinton totally twirls her hair off camera."

it was a constant battle and i would generally stop touching my hair long enough to tell her about my adventures at the teeny bopper magazine and swear up and down that Yes, grandma, Yes, i ate enough for dinner and No i would not like blueberries and cottage cheese, but thank you.

i have a fascinating relationship with my hair. i guess you could say it's my signature and yet i often want to just cut it all off and start fresh. i don't, however, have a craving for it like THIS WOMAN. just like it takes all kinds, apparently there are all kinds of hair relationships, and some involve dinner. it's really hard to say why she did it, although i can only imagine that it tasted like chocolate or she saw it on an episode of Dallas. who knows. i can only tell you that if you want to lose 10 lbs really fast and make headline news and force people who were enjoying a bowl of edy's slow-churned french silk ice cream to lose their appetite, then definitely start twirling and swallowing real fast. you will deliver a beautiful hairball this time next year and you will look FANTASTIC in your party dress.


**this entry is dedicated to my dear friend jessie who has enviably long, nice-smelling hair that is neither twirled nor eaten. happy birthday.**

The NYC Hairathon

i'm in training, did you know?
well i am.
i'm training for the hairathon.
do you know what the hairathon is?
i didn't either until two saturdays ago.
it's kind of a big deal.

i found out about it during a trim with my mane man cipriano.
cipriano is tall, furry and full of attitude.

"how are you feeling?"
"feeling?"
"how are you feeeeling about your hair."
"bad, it's too curly."
"so you want a little LESS curly."
"yes."
"you want to RELAX the curl."
"yes. but not straight."
"it will be curly but LESS!"
"cool, can i do it now?"
"no, you go home and you TRAIN."
"train?"
"yes. it is like the marathon. you don't go out and run it one day. you TRAIN for it!" he said, pumping two bottles of deep therapy mask high above his head and slamming them down on the counter.

that's all there is to this story.

things that are too bad

besides cankles, the only other thing that sucks in my mind today is STILL not being able to find inside out junior mints and people who tell you that what you're buying is bad for you.

cankles (exacerbated this season by the unfortunate reintroduction of the black ankle bootie) are self-explanatory, but i believe that self-righteous people are more royally screwed than kate middleton. if i want to buy a small bottle of diet dr. pepper, i know it contains chemicals that might shave nine weeks off my life, but that's okay because i don't want to live to be 105.6 years old anyway. you don't need to tell me not to buy it while you stand in line sipping your hurl gray tea. i don't tell you that your face is fat, so why judge? maybe i have just had butt implant surgery (thanks for that, peter) and it is the only thing the doctor has ordered.

so tell me.
what do you do when someone confronts you in line at the checkout?
do you:

tell them they're ugly
punt them to sixth avenue
get down on one knee and ask for their hand

i did all three and the wedding is next march!

literacy at the lady doctor

when i go to the Lady Doctor (LD) i am immediately uncomfortable because 97% of my reading options feature a drooling child dressed as a felt pumpkin with questionably long eyelashes who may or may not be wearing mascara and a woman who is about 15 pounds lighter than i was at 16 in her 40th week of pregnancy.

first i think - her belly is totes fake - but then i think - no it's not, but her teeth are. don't even get me started on the child wearing makeup. you don't want to go there with me.

most of us have three options for reading material at the LD. well, four.

the first is motor trend, which is always lying in-between the pretty babies on a crumby table. if i felt i would be driving anything other than the backseat of a cab for the next 10 years i would maybe be interested in this publication but i'm not.

the second option is business week. does anyone read this? i'm sure they do. in fact, i am willing to gamble that a lot of people read it, because how else would we know that toys are being recalled and gas prices are high? this is the only place to find out these kinds of things and for that, we should all be grateful.

we all know the third option. if we read the baby and the parent magazines, it looks like we're having the baby or that we HAVE the baby and we, well, i, am not having a baby and i don't have one TO MY KNOWLEDGE.

finally, the fourth is the STD pamphlets and we all know what it looks like if we're engrossed in those, yes?

so basically to sum it up, bring your own entertainment to the LD unless you A) don't drive a cab from the backseat, B) put makeup on your child, C) buy toys in china, D) have syphillis.

that's all.

these with a side of eggie-wegs please

as some of you know, i am kind of obsessed with sunglasses. some of you also know i am picky about how they fit, and once i find the right pair, i am very loyal. and then i wear them to death, like my costume national's, until they are so scratched up i can barely see straight.
well, it's almost time for a new pair and while i am loving the autumn chill, i am already looking ahead to spring for THIS reason (see pic). raf simons has collaborated with linda farrow on a sunglasses collection and it is badder than ass. linda farrow was a huge deal back in the 70s when she introduced a collection in london and it took off in a big way. not sure how many people knew about it here, but it was major there (she pioneered yoko ono's signature wraparounds, and was an eyewear wholesaler for designers like sonia rykiel and balenciaga).
anyway, about five years ago her son found about a thousand of them in an attic somewhere (or something like that) and they were rediscovered and here they are.
i'm sure they're like $600 and belong in a case in which case -ha- i'm not sure i'm worthy.
they would look ridiculous on me, but they're fantastic. very Clockwork Orange. would you like to buy them for me?
THANK YOU and you have a lovely sunday, too.

perspective from the 21st floor

last friday we were in the middle of a run-thru. it wasn't going well. it never goes well on fridays. it's always raining, the lunch line is long and slow because friday is burger day and people are hungover as hell, something is always stuck in customs, usually a pair of shoes for a cover shoot, a metal clothing rail comes apart and smacks me in the head, an intern returns a ralph lauren suit...to kilgour...in the UK...and it's my boss's.
you know - the usual.
anyway, it was a particularly bad day and i went back to my desk to re-group, when suddenly a golden glow was cast on my monitor. the fashion "closet" (which is actually twice the size of my studio) is behind me, diagonally to the right, and i turned around and this is what i saw through the doorway. i was mesmerized. we all were. people filed into the conference room to get a better look. we all stood there together and stared at the orange sky.

This Time Next Year

chytridiomycosis (a cute little pet name i just made up) will NOT be running for office.

can you handle it?

sent from my carpal tunnel

i am retiring Dear Old Orange Pebl (DOOP) tomorrow and i am getting an iphone, thanks to that special someone.

this is the last time we were photographed together, me and DOOP. i don't look happy, do i. what can i say? the love faded.

here's the thing. i've said it before and i'll say it again: i think iphones are kind of toolish. when you get an email from them, it says "sent from my iphone." last i checked, my emails don't say "sent from nina's bitch." it would be a bit douchy, yes? oh well. i'm getting one anyway because my ipod was stolen and because a day without music is like a day without music.

so DOOP, if you see me on the street someday, and you don't know what to say, look away baby look away.

speaking of that, watch THIS. it's totally depressing but her purple gloves are FIERCE AS HELL!

as if we don't have ENOUGH to worry about

it looks like our worst nightmare has finally come true:

SETTING BACK THE CLOCKS CAN BE A KILLER

did you set yours back?
i didn't. is it mandatory? oh well. instead, i have been leaving every day at 3:30 p.m. EST to prepare for the pending pedestrian outages. you know, like run-overs. i had to work late tonight so i wore one of these and one of these and i suggest you do, too.
let me tell you something. this flourescent jumpoff may slightly detract from your new fall coats, but it gets dark, like, real dark, like, NERVOUS dark in manhattan, and you wouldn't want to be caught dead without these or you could die. and don't quote me on this, but i think they come in other colors so you can coordinate and then have them monogrammed which i'm not gonna lie is very special.

good lookin out, right?

WRONG. i told you. GET INSIDE. ride it out. march is just around the corner.

CURLS GONE WILD

hiya, i ran out of my favorite hair stuff this morning which is/was a real fricking bummer because A) apparently i have curly hair and B) i didn't have time to stop at my hair dresser, christo, to buy more, and i am kind of obsessed with both christo and his products. i haven't really had to substitute in like three years, so i had to figure out some shit tonight at this neighborhood store called "essentials" (if you want to call a store that sells mostly jigsaw puzzles and soy milk in a box "essential") on my way home from a highly enjoyable buzzed run (which may or may not be highly recommended by the medical community).

i combed the store and found the pantene section, which is basically the entire aisle (if you haven't noticed, pantene is kind of DOING it), and within the pantene "area," i found the curly beast products and within the curly beast products i found the right looking one. and then i found it again. and then i found it AGAIN.

they all looked exactly the same, smelled the same, had the same ingredients, but had different but not really helpful ENOUGH descriptions for curly hair.

the first one said:
volume and lift for body and fulnesss

the second one said:
long lasting control and shine

the third one said:
helps create and define curls and waves to control frizz

so i bought all three and mixed them up.

no, just kidding. i didn't buy any of them. i wigged out and bought cadbury christmas chocolate balls (like cadbury mini eggs but christmas ones- OH HOLY NIGHT!) and a poland spring instead, and peaced way the fuck out of that joint.

what's my problem? well since you asked, what ISN'T my problem?
i want it ALL!!!! i want body, i want shine, and i want to control frizz! AND I WANT IT ALL IN ONE BOTTLE!
people with curly hair SO don't make curly haired products because if they did, there would be one that also gives you stronger nails, a new ipod, and ten thousand dollars, if you're into that kind of thing.

BANANAS OR APPLES, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

just now on GOOD EATS, the leader of the show who kind of stresses me out in a big way said bananas are the most popular fruit. i think WOW, i mean, some people might disagree and say apples are. i personally think bananas are the most popular fruit ALSO and want them to win, so let's see how they break down:


here is a quick breakdown:

APPLES:
pie
crumble
computers
gwyneth paltrow's baby

BANANAS:
as shoe polish
pie
cream pie
the movie
stefani shoutout
frozen
covered
split
ice cream
sorbet
boat
peel
baby food
foster

and i didn't even try that hard. i mean, i barely spent 12 seconds on this and i came up with ALL of these, so it's clear after breaking it down that bananas ARE in fact the winner.
congratulations.
you win.

**FOLLOW UP**
upon doing some research, i found THIS, which makes me question everything - my life, my fruit, my card. just eat what you want, it's NOT a popularity contest. and buy me this ugly bracelet. i like it.

some big ass news

CLICK HERE

YES!

at leat we're only 20-24% obese in new york. it must be the healthy drinking water they're putting in our schools, and i WOULD like fries with that.

what women are talking about now

yesterday morning, the elevator doors opened and two professional women in their late 40s, who may or may not clip Family Circus cartoons, entered:

"it's supposed to cool down a lot."

"i heard the same thing. they said it's really going to be a cold one."

"looks like our indian summer is over."

"you're ABSOLUTELY right barbara. well, at least it's friday."

"oh, i know. for me, it felt like thursday all week. every day i would wake up and say, 'is it thursday?' but it was only tuesday! isn't that funny?"

"that is so funny! see for me it was really fast monday through wednesday but then the week just slowed down the last two days."

"that happens to me a lot too!"

the sweater sets exited, a woosh of perfume and nail polish remover. the doors exhaled.

had anyone else noticed the Al Rokerfication of their conversation? do you? do i need a little less Tell Me You Love Me and a little more Today Show?

don't answer that.