besides cankles, the only other thing that sucks in my mind today is STILL not being able to find inside out junior mints and people who tell you that what you're buying is bad for you.
cankles (exacerbated this season by the unfortunate reintroduction of the black ankle bootie) are self-explanatory, but i believe that self-righteous people are more royally screwed than kate middleton. if i want to buy a small bottle of diet dr. pepper, i know it contains chemicals that might shave nine weeks off my life, but that's okay because i don't want to live to be 105.6 years old anyway. you don't need to tell me not to buy it while you stand in line sipping your hurl gray tea. i don't tell you that your face is fat, so why judge? maybe i have just had butt implant surgery (thanks for that, peter) and it is the only thing the doctor has ordered.
so tell me.
what do you do when someone confronts you in line at the checkout?
do you:
tell them they're ugly
punt them to sixth avenue
get down on one knee and ask for their hand
i did all three and the wedding is next march!
4 comments:
You know how there's a Duane Reade across the street from our office, right? Well, on Monday mornings, I like to go over there and buy a box of cereal. I keep it in my office, and have breakfast cheaply all week. So, one Monday, I go to Duane Reade to buy my box of cereal. The bitch rings me up, and I very politely (because I know how these things can disturb people) say, "I don't need a bag, thank you."
"What?!" she said.
"That's okay, I don't need a bag, thanks."
She gave me a look and, instead of handing me my change, slammed it down on the counter. You know how it's kinda hard to pick change up from a hard, flat surface? I start fumbling with it while other people are in line behind me, when she says: "You know, bags are for free."
"I know bags are free. I just don't want one. Does that upset you?"
"I just think it's stupid."
"You're stupid. And wasteful."
thank you for sharing your story with us, dear amigo.
i thought about your interaction a little more and decided that you should have accepted the plastic bag, put it over her head, done a cartwheel, and walked away. that would have ultimately been the most resourceful move.
um, you still haven't commented on my pending nuptials. WTF is up with THAT?
I'll definitely be at your wedding.
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