home alone

just got up to my parents' house. it feels like someone poured aosept into my eyes.
it was a strange homecoming. the train ride up was lonely and being in this house by myself is sort of depressing. this used to be my childhood home, but we came up here so much over the summer together that it became a kind of destination for us. isn't that fucked up? we would sit out on the front porch, drinking scotch, and listening to the rain. we talked about the stars and the trees and the sounds of the country. we shot baskets, went hiking, went to the market. it was very much a suburban weekend life that we had going on, and now it's over. that's okay, it's just that this house was always my personal escape, and then it became OUR personal escape. it's funny how that happened, seemingly overnight. the thing is, he is sitting at home right now doing his work and not thinking about me or about us at all. he is able to compartmentalize. the high school looks so different, by the way. jock hall es no mas. i texted jamie and told him. he is in the middle of a desert in arizona. i should really get going. have a drink with the kids. i am writing too much. it is pouring out of me and i need to bring it in. i need to socialize and move on.